A Pseudo Conversation between John Kerry and Ukraine Leaders

Written by Frank Li

Editor’s note: In this special column, Frank Li imagines what a conversation between  U.S. Secretary Of State John Kerry and Ukranian leaders might have been like.  Enjoy.

As U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry travels around Europe for the Ukraine crisis, I have managed to obtain a copy of the taped conversation between him and the new Ukrainian leaders via a friend working at the NSA. I am hereby releasing it for your information.

Ukraine Leaders (UL): Thank you, Mr. Secretary, for showing up in Kiev so quickly. We know we can always count on the U.S. for support and help!

John Kerry (JK): You are welcome! We are always ready to help the people for democracy. Here is a $1B loan from the U.S. (Kerry Arrives in Kiev Bearing $1 Billion Aid Package for Embattled Ukrainian Leaders). I wish we could give you more, but we really do not have much money.

UL: Thank you very much for your generosity! But what did you mean that you “really do not have much money”?

JK: Oh, our national debt is already more than $17T, and we owe China almost $2T. So we need to borrow this $1B from China.

UL: Are you sure you can secure so much money from China so soon?

JK: Yes, it’s a pocket change for them …

UL: Good! Now, Mr. Secretary, democracy is new to us. We really did not expect it to work out so badly like this. It’s misery and chaos only!

JK: Democracy is not easy. Look at Egypt, Iraq, and Afghanistan. They are all struggling now, very hard …

UL: How come democracy works so well in the U.S.?

JK: It has taken us more than 200 years, and yet it’s imperfect.

UL: Did you imply that it would take us 200 more years?

JK: No, no, it should not be that long.

UL: Okay, Mr. Secretary, what can you do to help us more, on top of the $1B loan?

JK: We will impose some sanctions on Russia (President Obama delivers statement on Ukraine situation). We wish we could do more, but we really couldn’t.

UL: What did you mean by “we really couldn’t”?

JK: We need Russia’s help on a range of international issues, such as Iran and Syria. Additionally, two examples:

1. We need Russia to supply our troops in Afghanistan. We must have Russia when we pull our troops out of Afghanistan soon!
2. We even need Russia to access the space (Belligerent Russia Could Deny U.S. Access to Space)!

UL: So there is really not much you can do to sanction Russia?

JK: No, to be perfectly honest with you. Besides, China seems to be with Russia so far (Xi, Putin discuss China-Russia ties, Ukraine crisis on phone).

UL: Should we talk to China, as it seems to hold several key cards in our situation?

JK: No, no, China is not even a democracy!

UL: Does democracy really matter? Why is China doing so well without democracy?

JK: They figured it out sometime ago: democracy is not the way to go!

UL: Do you know why?

JK: They claimed “democracy without robust capitalism first has proven to be a total disaster”. They even used Egypt, Iraq, and Afghanistan, as recent examples. They want peace, not democracy. They are very focused on their own economic development, which is one reason we owe them almost $2T.

UL: Do you see their point?

JK: Yes, to some extent

UL: Then, I have a blunt question for you: why don’t you advocate for peace, instead of democracy, like the Chinese do? We want to be like China, as China was communism like us two decades ago!

JK: Now, you are really giving me a hard time … See, we have a big MIC (Military-Industrial Complex) at home. Whenever we propose some budget cuts, Congress fiercely opposes (Budget- Deep Cuts – Target Troops – Congress Push Back–Serious Mistake–Fierce Resistance). Our Congress works for the people. Budget cuts will hurt people, especially those who make weapons to kill our enemies. Obviously, when we do not have enemies, the MIC would be in even bigger trouble – there would be no justification for its existence! So we need enemies, sometimes the more, the better! I am being perfectly honest with you here …

UL: Mr. Secretary, are you saying we are totally screwed, by communism first and by democracy now?

JK: Well, that’s one way to look at it …

UL: Mr. Secretary, let’s cut the chase – is there more you can do to help us out now?

JK: No, unfortunately …