by Reverse Engineer, Doomstead Diner
Wikileaks Reports:
Shadow Cabinet Meeting Minutes
December 2016
Attending: Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon, George Soros, Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, David Rockefeller, Nathan Rothschild, Arnold Schwartzenneger, Kim Kardashian
(Language not corrected for polite company.)
Lloyd:
We have a fucking BIG Problem! The fucking Saudis don’t wanna take dollars anymore for their goddamn Oil!
Henry:
Zees ees no problem. Vee can manufacture Regime Change een Saudi Arabia.
Hillary:
Henry, if you pitch that regime change idea one more time, I’m going to stick some dynamite up your ass! Every fucking time you try one of these regime changes, we just get in deeper doo-doo!
David:
This is giving my new heart and pacemaker palpitations. Can you guys please calm down? My doctors haven’t found a new donor from the donor farm in Myanmar yet. I’m only 101 and only on my 7th Heart transplant from impoverished Asians! How will the New World Order manage without me?
Dick:
Let’s just blow the motherfuckers back to the stone age and glaze over Riyahd!
Nathan:
Umm, Dick, let me remind you that if we Nuke the Saudis, the Oil they still have left will be unavailable for quite some time to come, and besides, I own all of it and would not appreciate it being turned radioactive.
Hillary:
OK, nuking the Saudis is out, and so is regime change. Anyone got a better idea?
Kim:
Maybe I could marry a Saudi Prince? Hopefully one with a really big dick!
Hillary:
Thank God! At least somebody here in the room has some common fucking sense! Now, can we get onto some more important topics? Like how come that motherfucker Assange is still hacking my fucking emails! Can’t we take him out already? Next thing you know, he’ll reveal Donald is fucking me!
Donald:
That would be very bad for my image and Brand Name. We can’t let that happen!
Arnold:
I can call up Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Jean Clude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Mel Gibson and we can chopper in to the Ecuadorian Embassy and assassinate him.
Hillary:
Are you fucking kidding me? Send in 6 Geriatric Movie Stars to do an assassination?
Arnold:
No problem, we will use stunt doubles for the actual assassination.
Hillary:
Oh, OK that could work. Get it set up. Now, back to this economic bullshit. Jamie, what’s your take on keeping the dollar functioning here?
Jamie:
Well, if Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan Chase merge, we might keep it going a little longer. But I will only agree to a merger if Lloyd goes on the bottom.
Hillary:
Lloyd, will you take it up the ass from Jamie?
Lloyd:
I’ll take it up the ass for the good of the country Madame President. I am doing God’s Work.
George:
Unfortunately I do not think Lloyd’s sacrifice will be enough, we need to cede sovereignty to the New World Order and let the Bank for International Settlement in Switzerland issue out SDRs for us to use as money. They promised me a Trillion of them if I sell this idea to you guys.
Hillary:
What’s in it for me? How big a contribution of SDRs will the BIS make to the Clinton Foundation?
Dick:
Can we forget about the money for a minute? We’ve got to nuke that motherfucker Putin before he nukes us!
Hillary:
Forget about the money? What?
Henry:
Deeck ees right. Zee money vill do us no good eef vee are eenceenerated.
Arnold:
Henry, how long have you been speaking english? You couldn’t get rid of your accent by now? I’ll set you up with my speech coach.
Kim:
Maybe if I give Vlad a blowjob he won’t push the button.
Hillary:
That’s a good idea. Bill always was a pushover after a blowjob.
Donald:
I’ll blow Vlad also.
Lloyd:
I’ll take it up the ass from Vlad. I’m doing God’s Work for the good of the country.
Hillary:
That was easy enough to solve. Now, let’s get back to the money. How long will the Goldmand-Sachs JP Morgan Chase merger keep the dollar floating?
Jamie:
Maybe another year, unless George shorts the dollar.
Hillary:
George, you wouldn’t short the dollar, would you?
George:
No, of course not. I would never do anything so low.
Nathan:
Well, there was that British Sterling thing George….
George:
That was a one-time thing! Besides, it’s only Brits! They’ve been losers for years.
Hillary:
OK! We’ve got the Economic and Geopolitical problems solved, now what are we going to do about this climate change problem?
Donald:
Climate Change is a HOAX! A fucking Tree-Hugger conspiracy!
Hillary:
My contributors at Exxon Mobil and Royal Dutch Shell are telling me otherwise Donny Sweety, they had to cut my payoff by $2B this year because of all the hurricanes.
Arnold:
That wasn’t climate change, it was a False Flag from the HAARP Hurricane Generator. Exxon and Shell set it up themselves to drive up the oil prices.
Hillary:
NO MORE FALSE FLAGS that cut into my Clinton Foundation donations! Somebody needs to make Rex Tillerson an offer he can’t refuse!
Arnold:
I will give Al Pacino a call. Marlon Brando is unavailable.
Hillary:
OK, that wraps up the agenda for this meeting. We look to be good until 2017 if everyone follows through. If that weasel Assange gets a hold of the minutes for this meeting and leaks them, I will hold all of you personally responsible, even if the leak is off my private email server! You all will have to spend a week in Rehab with Charlie Sheen.
Kim:
Oh, God no, anything but that!
Note for fans of “How I Survived Collapse”: HISC will return next week with Chapter 3. Geopolitical nonsense took priority this week for Sunday Brunch.
